How to Handle a Toxic Wedding Second Shooter: Dear Devlin
DEAR DEVLIN
How to Handle a Toxic Wedding Second Shooter
Dear Devlin,
I’d really appreciate some advice on something that’s been weighing on me.
I often work with a second photographer who has also become a friend, or at least, was. While we’ve shared some great wedding days together, I’ve started to notice some behaviour that’s left me feeling uncomfortable and honestly, a little disheartened.
On multiple occasions, they’ve made subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) comments in front of my clients that undermine me things like poking fun at how I work, questioning my decisions, or making it seem like they’re the more experienced one. It’s embarrassing and makes me feel small in front of the people who’ve hired me. Since working with this person, my business has gone downhill and I have lost me. I now question everything I do and if I’m working the way I should be even though clients still comment how amazing I have been, I’m still left feeling not good enough.
What’s worse is that they’ve started taking bookings from couples who initially came through my weddings without discussing it with me or even acknowledging where the lead came from. I’ve always shared opportunities and recommended others generously, but this just feels off.
I don’t want drama, and I value our history, but I also feel I need to draw a line and protect my business and self-worth. How would you handle this? Have you ever had to navigate a tricky friendship/professional dynamic like this?
Any advice would mean the world.
Thank you Second-Guessing Second Shooter
“You’re already seeing the effects , your confidence has been chipped away, you’re second-guessing your instincts, and worst of all, you’ve seen a dip in your bookings.”
Dear Second-Guessing Second Shooter,
Let me start by saying I am really sorry you’re feeling this way, I can hear how heavy this has become for you. It’s difficult when someone you once trusted and connected with as a wedding second shooter begins to undermine you professionally and personally. But I want you to know this: you’re not imagining it, and you are not overreacting.
You say this person was a friend, but ask yourself would a true friend undermine you in front of your clients, take away your potential customers without acknowledgment, or dull your shine just to boost theirs? I often say there are two kinds of people in this world: Radiators and Drains. Radiators are warm, energising, and uplifting. Drains suck the energy out of you, focus on negativity, and leave you questioning your worth. Honey, this person is an out-and-out Drain.
You’re already seeing the effects , your confidence has been chipped away, you’re second-guessing your instincts, and worst of all, you’ve seen a dip in your bookings. That’s not just emotional damage, that’s real, measurable damage to your business. This is about more than just feelings. This person is costing you money.
But here’s the thing: I get it. You built a working relationship, and maybe even a friendship, and part of you is nostalgic for the good times. That’s human. But you’re not stuck. You’re just overdue for a reset.
Set boundaries. Protect your emotional well-being and your business by creating distance. Start looking for alternative second shooters. There’s no need for confrontation or drama – just a quiet, intentional pivot. Simply stop hiring them, and if they ask you, say you wish to explore other options and work with new people.
Trust yourself again. You say that your clients still tell you how amazing you are, hold onto that. It’s evidence. Remind yourself of what’s true: your talent, your professionalism, your success. Don’t let one person’s ego cloud your self-worth.
Be mindful of your own energy. Recognise the power you hold. You get to be a Radiator too, someone who uplifts others, who protects their peace, who makes wise choices about who they let into their business. The more you do this, the more you’ll attract others like you, and the better your business (and your headspace) will become.
I’ve been there, I once ran a (non-photography) business with a friend, and I let it carry on long after it stopped being healthy for me. I thought addressing it would cause drama. But in the end, walking away was the best decision I ever made. In the end, it was liberating.
You have permission to do the same. You don’t need anyone in your business who doesn’t respect you, build you up, and celebrate your success. Take your power back, one boundary at a time. I know that you know this otherwise you wouldn’t have written in, you know it’s time to put a stop to this.
How To Spot Toxic Behaviour
- They make you question your reality. This is classic gaslighting – denying things they’ve said or done, twisting events to make you feel like the problem.
- They play on your emotions. If someone is regularly using guilt, fear, or shame to influence your decisions, that’s manipulation, not care.
- They’re dishonest. Even small lies chip away at trust. If someone regularly bends the truth, it’s a red flag.
- They make everything about them. You’ll notice they always prioritise their own needs or feelings – your needs barely get a look-in.
- They shift the blame. When things go wrong, somehow it’s never their fault.
- They don’t apologise – or mean it when they do. A sincere apology includes accountability and a willingness to change, not just words.
- They don’t respect your boundaries. If someone ignores your limits or pushes you past what you’re comfortable with – emotionally or otherwise – that’s not OK.
CAN I HELP WITH YOUR
PROBLEM?
Drop me a note with any industry issue that you might have and I will do my best to offer up some advice.
After a couple of decades as a wedding photographer, the chances are high that I will have some experience that might be relevant or have some insight into what your best course of action could be
The process is 100% anonymous, so feel free to share whatever is on your mind currently and know that this is a safe place.
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